In spite of being remarkably friendly and outgoing, when I imagine asking a woman out, I crumble under pressure, likely due to the fear of rejection. Consequently, I have never been in a relationship or even asked a girl out. Seeing how many female friends I have, in addition to my confidence in conversing with strangers, nobody guesses I have been single my entire life. Constantly reminding myself of how long I have longed for an authentic date and a girlfriend, I am now perhaps pickier than I would have been had I had abundant dating experience.
I am generally attracted to Caucasian women, most likely because I have surrounded myself in the white community since age ten and believe Americanized individuals understand me better than my own countrymen do. However, knowing my status in the United States as a minority, I still have trouble fantasizing a white woman without yellow fever being interested in me. Nevertheless, the aforementioned comments are not believed by numerous ladies, as I have, by American standards, unintentionally asked out practically every woman I had spoken to for more than five minutes since the beginning of college. When I talk to a stranger for a reasonable amount of time, I want to continue getting to know the person more deeply and thus ask for his or her Facebook or phone number. No woman has refused to give me her number, though many of them ignored me when I texted, “Great meeting you!” Until a female friend revealed she initially had trouble figuring out whether I was befriending or hitting on her, asking a girl for her number to be taken as a romantic sign never crossed my mind. Furthermore, I dislike eating alone and hence often ask friends, male or female, to dine with me; more importantly, I often pay for the friend. I only realized the first semester of my senior year that buying a woman dinner signifies a date and my being into her. I become more and more embarrassed each time I think of the infinite occasions I technically asked girls out without intending to.
I cannot believe I am sharing this, but towards the end of my freshman year, I was kissed for the first time by a high school girl visiting my college. Despite all of the signs she poured on me, such as repeatedly coming into my room and staying close to me, I never realized I was involved in a romantic situation. Even texting her exactly what I was doing when asked conveyed to her I was “suggesting something.” When she unexpectedly placed her lips to mine, I had no idea what to make of the moment. My instinctual response led me to think about the various romantic drama series and movies I had watched growing up and say, “I love you.” She thankfully understood I did not mean it and was just desperately searching for a dramatic phrase to spit out. Although this humiliation occurred half a decade ago, I still feel like an idiot thinking about it. I optimistically supposed only experience like this could teach me how to avoid certain behaviors that confuse girls, but I seem to have learned nothing, as countless women still believe I am asking them out on a date. Am I that clueless? Or are they that narcissistic? I guess a bit of both.